


Who do you love?

by Hikikomori_Ho (orphan_account)



Category: Monsta X (Band), SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, HyungWonho - Freeform, Love Story, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Rare Pairings, Sad, Tears, read on a rainy day? :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 14:54:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19336801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Hikikomori_Ho
Summary: ' Love breaks my bones and i laugh. '





	Who do you love?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! you can follow me on IG ( it's solely for my fics. ) ^ ω ^  
> [@hikikomori_ho](https://www.instagram.com/hikikomori_ho/)

 

 

 

              

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was always like that. He would be looking at hoshi and hyungwon would be looking at him.

 

they were high school sweethearts. wonho and hoshi. inseparable ever since they got to know each other in the first year of high school or he had been told. maybe that was the reason his eyes never saw hyungwon. cuz he wasn’t there since the start. he only came to view once they were seniors and the two boys were already dating. the high school’s iconic gay couple, loved by all the girls in the area.

 

Hyungwon didn’t mean to fall in love. he knew better than to fall for someone taken. especially if that someone was in a relationship with a person as gorgeous as hoshi.

but one can’t really control the heart. the heart wants what it wants and selena couldn’t have said it any better. so when he got invited to hang out with them, the whole group of friends, he accepted the sweet torture whole-heartedly. it didn’t matter that he cried himself to sleep almost every night after getting home from school, all devastated and reliving the memories of the two boys being touchy and loving. it didn’t matter when they all went to the city’s college and the two started sleeping together. the visible hickeys didn’t matter and hyungwon hearing their moans through the thin walls of the dorm rooms didn’t matter either. what mattered was that wonho would smile at him every morning when there was only the two of them in the library, asking him how he felt or if he had slept well. what mattered was how he’d pat hyungwon on the shoulder or gave him a hug on special occasions, the times he’d seriously screwed up a test and became all gloomy. what mattered was…him. even if he wasn’t hyungwon’s.

 

and then it happened. the day after they graduated, hoshi left. with nothing but a note saying ‘ i’m sorry. i feel like i’m limiting myself here. i have to go and find who i really am. ‘ wonho was a mess.

hyungwon lost count of how many times he had to hold the boy’s head over the toilet as he threw up all he had drunk. how many times he had to meddle in at the clubs before people would beat the shit out wonho. he lost count of how many silent tears he shed while looking at a passed out figure on the bathroom floor. it wasn’t easy to watch, but he stayed. making a promise to himself that he’d help the love of his life to get over it. to help him stand on his feet again.

 

it took a little over half a year for the slightest sign of a smile to appear on that soft pale face. hyungwon would never forget that night. they were at a reunion with their high school classmates. they danced. everyone but wonho. he just sat by the bar, looking at them moving their bodies to the beat. he didn’t drink though. he never drank after that one time. the one which he caused a fight in the club and ended up in hyungwon getting hurt as well, defending him.

“ come on! just one song! “ he said, grabbing on his wrist and shaking both of their arms to the music. wonho only shook his head.

“ i’m not letting you be wonho. you’re dancing tonight. “ grabbing the shot of whiskey he hated with all his being, he raised it in the air.

“ if i drink this in one go, you’re gonna have to dance the next song with me. deal? “ and maybe the other was sure he couldn’t do it when he agreed with a quiet ‘ sure ‘

holding his breath for a second, he drank it in one shot and hating himself for his life choices. the whiskey though decided that its taste wasn’t enough of a bitch as it refused to be swallowed and ended up pouring out from hyungwon’s nostrils a bit. it burnt like hell but at least it had made wonho chuckle. it was worth it.

“ just one song. “ the other said, taking his hand and walking to the dance floor. his skin was set ablaze at the touch.

 

and then it went on. wonho would call him more often to hang out and when his roommate moved out, he asked hyungwon if he was looking for a place. he wasn’t. he was perfectly okay with his roommate but he’d sell everyone for the chance of living under the same roof as his secret love. even if it meant he’d die each second of each day cuz he couldn’t touch him the way he yearned oh so dearly for. he loved pain. there was no other explanation at that point.

 

it was that night. when they first kissed due to a stupid truth or dare game at their place. their friends were mean stupid evils and hyungwon ended up having to sit on wonho’s lap, french kissing him for seven straight minutes in front of everyone while the other had to have his arms wrapped around his waist. when one of the idiots shouted ‘ finished ‘ he pulled back immediately, terrified and overwhelmed. wonho was staring at him with widened eyes and parted lips for seconds. hyungwon couldn’t manage to hold his tears back for more than 15 minutes before he excused himself to sleep.

“ i have to wake up for work early tomorrow. “

wonho’s eyes never left him until the bedroom door was shut.

 

it happened unannounced. the night wonho knocked on his door gently, hesitantly, and he opened it. the other’s cheeks were wet with tears, his eyes sparkly, when he asked hyungwon if they could kiss and he said yes. one thing led to another and they ended up in bed, stripping each other off clothes. and then it happened again and again and again, like a hushed secret they shared under the moonlight, one they never talked about during the day. at least not until wonho asked him out on a date. “ what do you say we go on a date? i could pick you up from work tomorrow night. “ and what could he say other than yes? hyungwon was over the moon.

 

Hyungwon was over the moon and everything was perfect. wonho told everyone about their relationship. he bought them couple bracelets for their anniversary and kissed him goodbye every morning before going to work. he’d show up in his work with a coffee or an ice cream out of the blue with a big smile on his face, saying “ i wanted to surprise you. “ but nothing surprised hyungwon more than when he heard him saying those three words for the first time after almost two years in.

his mouth went dry and he stopped breathing. “ what? “

“ i said, i love you. “ wonho repeated with a chuckle and a peck on his lips.

“ are you sure? “ he barely reacted to the kiss.

“ of course i’m sure! you’re a loveable person hyungwon. why wouldn’t i be sure?! “

“ because…hoshi.. “

wonho let go of his face that instant. “ don’t ever say that name in front of me again. “

 

three years. their three year anniversary with lots of flowers and chocolates, hugs and kisses and confessions, was just few days back when a storm came. literally and figuratively. it was raining cats and dogs when their doorbell rang. wonho was the one to open it and to freeze on his spot.

“ hey “

hyungwon knew that voice by heart. he heard the voice of his own heart falling to his stomach, too.

“ hoshi… “ the man who had told him to not say the name, like it was a taboo, let it roll off his tongue as easy as that.

“ can i come in? “

 

hoshi sat on their couch in their living room in front of them.

“ i heard from the guys you two are together. i thought i’d pay a visit. i’m so happy for you both! “ he sounded genuine.

he said he was back in town. at least for a year or so. wonho didn’t say much that night. even after the storm had gone, he remained silent. hyungwon let him be although his head was in absolute chaos.

 

Things changed. wonho wasn’t himself anymore. he’d still do all those things for hyungwon. he’d still kiss him goodnight and wake him up with the sweetest touch in the morning. the whispers of love never stopped. but his eyes…there began to be a permanent trace of sadness in them. he would laugh, but it wouldn’t reach his eyes, or his soul.

 

“ are we going to the guys’ movie night this weekend? “ he asked, wiping the dishes dry.

“ yeah, we always do! “ his boyfriend answered, typing on his laptop.

“ why? do you have something else in mind? “

“ no, but i may have to pass. boss asked me to work on this project and i don’t think i can make it there. it’ll be too much work. “

oh how he wished he’d made the time and went. cuz that night, hoshi had been there too. and somehow wonho had let him in again. and since then, he would smile widely at the boy whenever they were next to each other or under a roof. hyungwon could see his soul trembling down at every soft look his boyfriend showed his ex.

 

“ what are you doing?! “ he asked with a laugh, seeing wonho changing into various suits and ties.

“ i have this presentation today in front of all the higher-ups. i have to look good! “ the latter replied. “ which tie do you think fits better? “

looking back, hyungwon thinks it was so shameless of wonho to ask which tie fit his outfit better when he was, in fact, dressing up for _him._ hoshi was transferred to his boyfriend’s company and was one of his ‘ higher-ups ‘but he didn’t know this until one day, he decided to surprise wonho for a change.

 

and there they were. sitting in the outdoor cafe of their company, talking, laughing. hyungwon didn’t miss how wonho’s hands came in touch with hoshi’s shoulder or arm several times. as if he couldn’t keep his hands to himself.

“ hi “ he said with a knowing look, staring directly at wonho once he was by their table.

“ oh babe! what are you doing here? “ there was a big smile on his face as he looked up to see him there but hyungwon thought it was only the continuation of the expression from a second ago.

he ignored the question. “ hoshi “ he looked at the latter with a forced smile. “ you work here? “

“ oh i didn’t tell you? i thought i did! hoshi’s one of my bosses now! “ wonho meddled in with a laugh, taking his hand and squeezing it.

he didn’t want the touch. not at that moment. not with what was happening right in front of his eyes. he took his hand away. “ no, you didn’t. “

 

“ what was that today?! “ was the first thing his boyfriend said once he was home.

“ what? “ he wasn’t in the mood.

“ why did you leave like that? you didn’t even say goodbye! “ wonho crouched down by the couch, his palms on hyungwon’s thighs as he looked at him worriedly. “ is something wrong? “

the alarms went off in his head. _‘ is something wrong ‘_ really? was he that much of a joke?

he didn’t say anything. he just got up and went to bed.

 

He felt like dying. it wasn’t supposed to be like that. they weren’t supposed to drive in absolute silence, in a tense atmosphere on their way to one of their friends’ weddings like that. it had been about a year since hoshi had come back. a year of hyungwon terrified of smelling a new cologne on wonho every night he came home a little late. or a hickey that wasn’t his. thankfully, that never happened. but it didn’t mean things were good. they weren’t…they weren’t.

 

“ so when are you two gonna get married? “ the question was pointed at hoshi. someone they didn’t know but was standing with them asked the latter.

“ oh, it’s a bit early for that i guess! but i’m planning to propose on christmas! “

and hyungwon saw it all. how wonho’s eyes teared up. his boyfriend walked away slowly and disappeared somewhere for the rest of the ceremony. none of them knew that hoshi was seeing someone apparently.

 

He slid down the wall, knees hugged to his chest, head resting on them. what was he supposed to do? he couldn’t deny it. he could see wonho trying his best. but they were both a mess. they haven’t slept together for a month now. none of them had gotten that close to the other.

“ hyungwon? why are you sitting there like that baby? the floor’s cold. get up, come on. “ he hadn’t heard his boyfriends footsteps when he found him there. when wonho pulled him up, he couldn’t help the outburst of his feelings. hyungwon could only hug him tight, as tight as he possibly could, in hopes of everything to be the way they were before. for him to laugh from the depth of his heart and for the sad eyes to go away. only that the embrace made fear crawl under his skin further. fear of losing him.

 

18 months since the storm. fucked up. everything was so fucked up. they had fought rapidly over the past two months. breaking things even. it wasn’t like either of them to behave that way.

Hoshi had told them he’d get married in 5 months. that they should hurry up and get to it as well. the boy had no idea what was going on between them. no one did.

 

They hadn’t talked in about four days. Hyungwon had been stalling. postponing the conversation they needed to have, scared of the consequences.

“ hey “ wonho’s tired voice said next to him as the older sat down on the edge of the bed, one leg bent on the mattress, looking at him.

“ …hey “ he knew why he’d come home late. there was a bachelor party for the groom-to-be that night. “ had fun? “

his boyfriend only gave him a crooked, almost apologetic, smile in response.

“ suppose you did. i didn’t expect anything else though. how could you _not_ have fun with him around! “ he chuckled, turning the page of the book he was reading. pretending to read.

“ don’t be stupid! you’re the one who didn’t wanna come! “ wonho said in a calm voice, reaching out and squeezing his knee.

“ yeah, sorry if i decided to pass on witnessing you throwing eye hearts at him. “ he didn’t take his eyes off the words yet.

the other didn’t say anything. hyungwon could only feel the hand flinching on his body before he took it away.

there was a long pause. silence filling out the room for stretched minutes.

“ i’m trying my best hyungwon “ and then he left the room. that night, he didn’t come back to bed for sleep.

 

Hyungwon had left for a business trip to new york early in the morning. wonho had been already gone when he woke up, leaving him prepared waffles and coffee on the counter. steam still coming off.

he laid on the giant bed of the hotel room. limbs spread out all over it as he stared at the ceiling. it was a long way from new york to their town. the distance making it clear to just how apart they had fallen. where they ever close? or had it always been wonho _‘trying’_?

“ everything went well? “ his boyfriend’s tired voice said through the phone.

“ yeah “ he replied in extreme exhaustion, voice hoarse.

“ i hope they finally give you the raise you very much deserve after this. “

he heard himself chuckle. maybe they should’ve stayed friends. wonho was a hell of a good friend. he had always supported him genuinely. “ yeah, me too. “ and then there was the ear piercing silence again. “ hey..wonho? “

‘ yeah babe? ‘

“ do you love me? “

‘ of course i do. ‘

“ do you love me more than you love him? “

there was no sound other than some shuffling from the other end.

“ answer me. you..you have to answer me. “ his eyes burnt as tears gathered in them. “ who do you really love wonho? him? or me? “

“ i don’t think it’s something we should be talking about over the phone hyungwon. it’s late. go to sleep. you have an early conference tomorrow. “ and then the older hung up. his tears didn’t seem to care about the conference as they rolled down on his face all night until he fell asleep at some point.

 

they were in bed. kissing, wonho on top of him. they both had a couple of shots, both needing the body contact and the warmth. they were kissing but when hyungwon opened his eyes to see the beautiful face of the love of his life, he couldn’t find any sign that showed his feelings were returned anymore.

“ stop “ he pushed the older away gently with his palms on the firm chest, turning his face to the side.

“ what is it? “ the latter asked, turning his face back to look at him, his fingers holding the underside of hyungwon’s chin delicately.

“ you’re not kissing me. “ he said, knowing the sadness must’ve been evident in his eyes.

“ huh? i’m kissing you! “ wonho smiled and pecked his lips softly, leaning back to look at his eyes again right after.

“ i’m not the one you’re kissing in your head “ his eyes jumped back and forth between his boyfriend’s. desperately searching for something, anything that would prove him wrong. that it had all been nothing but his imagination and suspicion.

wonho’s body froze. his lips parted as he stared at him without even blinking. the next thing hyungwon knew, was that tears started landing on his cheeks before the older pulled away and off of him, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. the sound of quiet sobs filling the space.

“ i’m not stupid. you don’t have that look anymore. you don’t feel anything when you look at me anymore. if you’re gonna leave me..” his voice cracked as his own tears started falling down. “ if you’re gonna leave me at some point, then just do it now. i can’t go on like this anymore. “ he couldn’t help the panting in between his words. his whole body was trembling when wonho turned around, closed the gap between them and hugged him ever so tightly, burying his face in the crook of hyungwon’s neck.

“ don’t say that. i can’t leave you. “ his voice sounded so small. hyungwon’s heart broke at how vulnerable the man in his arms was at that moment.

“ why? “ he asked breathily, unable to talk any louder than a whisper as he hugged back. “ why can’t you? i’m not the one who owns your heart baby “ his arms tightened around the broad shoulders, hands clutching the shirt of the man he loved.

“ i hate myself. i hate how i can’t control my feelings. why do i..” wonho’s hot breath hit his neck as the tears soaked his skin. “ i love you hyungwon. i love you, i.. “ the older leaned back and looked into his eyes again. both of their faces wet with the continuous waterfall of their emotions. “ i’m trying so hard to be here. to stay. every time i look at you, every time i feel you looking at me when i’m not, it..it tears me into pieces and i know.. “ he stopped and caressed hyungwon’s cheek with his thumb “ baby, i know it must be hell for you as well. i hate myself every time you smile at me, knowing that i don’t deserve it. i’m so fucking sorry hyungwon. i don’t know how to fix this “ the older pulled him back into his embrace, sobbing loudly while apologizing to him over and over again as his arms never seemed to want to let go.

 

“ you sure you don’t need help with..you know..your Ikea furniture and stuff? “ wonho asked after dropping him off.

“ it’s okay wonho. i got it. “ hyungwon smiled at him. “ i think you giving me a ride here and helping me move was weird enough for a broken up couple already! “ it didn’t really hit him though, until he got settled in and found himself utterly alone in the vacant apartment, missing him like he never knew was possible.

 

The next time they saw each other again was three months later. at hoshi’s wedding ceremony.

wonho had always been someone who wasn’t able to look bad even in his worst days. but that day, even though the suit was expensive and fit his body well, even though his hair was styled and his face was shaved, he looked..broken.

“ i heard about your promotion. congratulations. “ the older said once they were standing at their shared table. the wedding had already been planned when they announced their break up to their friends.

“ thank you. “ as much as hyungwon wanted to reach out and caress the hand that was laying on the wooden surface, or to brush the stray hair back into their rightful place off of that perfect forehead he had pecked endless times, he held back. three months and he still felt the same about this man. he still loved him with entire body and soul.

“ when will you be leaving? “ the older asked, avoiding his eyes and playing with the glass of champagne in his hands.

“ tomorrow “ he answered quietly, eyes never leaving the broad figure in front of him. wonho’s widened eyes landed on him in a second. his beautifully curved lips parted in something that was giving hyungwon a false hope.

“ i.. “ the older started and blinked himself out of his shock, looking down again. “ i hope everything works out for you there. you deserve everything. you really do. “ and before hyungwon could say anything, the music started and they had to go back to their seats as the couple walked down the aisle.

 

 

It had always been like that. hyungwon would be looking at him and he would be looking at hoshi.

wonho never looked away from the couple, standing hand in hand in front of all the guests, saying their vows to one another. hyungwon didn’t miss the few tears that ran down those soft cheeks of his ex-boyfriend.

when the couple kissed and the crowd stood up, going nuts with their applause, the older slowly slipped away, walking out of the hall without saying goodbye. hyungwon didn’t have any reason to stay any longer. the only reason why he went in the first place was to have an excuse to see him.

walking down the stairs, he stood on the sidewalk, lighting a cigarette. hyungwon was looking at him walk away. his steps so slow and tired, it hurt him to watch. but he did, until the figure was no longer in his sight when wonho turned left, into another street. his cigarette had burnt all the way to the filter. that’s how long it took for him to lose the love of his life for real. one whole cigarette.

lighting another one, he looked up at the sky, laughing at how bitter the comedy of life was as he turned on his heel, walking to the opposite direction of which the man he was always gonna be in love with had disappeared to.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
